In today’s society divorce is known to be a normal commodity. The idea of having a divorce in a family is more of a norm today than it ever has been. One interesting thing that I learned this week was that since my teacher is a therapist he has worked with many couples who have experienced divorce. The one thing he found consistent in divorces is that most couples that get a divorce get a divorce because they fell out of love, didn’t feel compatible or so on. My teacher found that these couples found that in 2 years after the divorce that they should have worked through it. When I heard this in class my heart broke for those couples and it made me want to help them.
This whole concept of divorce made me think of my teachers comment that, “divorce is a skill issue not a will issue.” As my teacher said this it made me realize how some people have a harder time in marriages knowing if they want to commit and stay committed by building the skills they need for that relationship. This commitment is hard to build some people simply do not have a clue how to go about it. But it is important to comprehend that marriage is a commitment much needed compared to couples now days who go towards cohabitation because it is easier. Did you know that cohabiting usually never leads to marriage? I wanted to talk about cohabiting for a moment because it is crucial to realize that cohabiting does not benefit a relationship. I say this because people think that cohabiting is easier than marriage when in reality there are a lot of problems that go along with cohabiting. One is that if you cohabit you are 16 times more likely to be abused by your live-in boyfriend than your husband. Another thing to understand about how cohabiting is a bad idea is that you are 30 times more likely to get molested by a cohabitation relationship compared to a spouse. Although you may think cohabitation is the way to go because it does cost less than divorce (because divorce costs about $125,000 in the first five years) it still can have a bigger effect on your emotions. Not only divorce is hard, but so is remarrying. Remarrying someone is a great thing and I encourage it for anyone. It usually takes someone a minimum of two years to be ready to get into another marriage. The People that remarry are more likely to be more willing to put more into the relationship than to their first marriage. Although it isn’t easy, it can be far worth it in the end. There are some things that remarried couples need to do. For example, sometimes couples get married to someone who already has a family. If this is the case it can be more difficult to have the idea of a “normal family.” This idea of normalcy takes up to two years to get to that point to feel more comfortable with each other. But remarried and combined families need to realize that they will never have a normal family because their family will always be different. This is not a bad thing, actually it can be good in many ways, but the sooner the family realizes that the faster they will be able to grow in certain types of relationships. In general divorce is hard, but can be a really good thing for people to overcome. All in all there are good and bad things to divorce, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t happiness that still can be found after. I encourage everyone to further their knowledge and understanding on divorce, remarriage and family relationships. FUN CONCEPT LEARNED OF THE WEEK: Alright so this concept doesn’t have much to do with the above information, but still in some way or another can apply if you really think about it. Okay here is the concept, did you know that marijuana is one of the worst drugs? It slows down, stops and reverses the development of the central nervous system while other drugs don’t do that. If someone doesn’t stop smoking before age 27-28 their brain will miss those development stages. This applies to the family because if an adult smokes during most of their life then it can impair them from being a parent at times and the way they think.
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I don’t know about you, but the idea of parenting terrifies me. Now don’t get me wrong, I think/hope that I will be the best parent that I can be, but think about all the responsibility that you need to hold in your hands. This week during class cruised through many concepts that I have heard before and others that have never crossed my mind. Some things that really struck me were what kind of parent I should be. Thoughts of what kind of parent I should be have always drifted through my mind. I have always known I want to be a good parent, but can I really do that? Of course, we all can! So what is the best way to parent and how can I be the best parent? There are many ways to be a good parent, although there are also ways to be a not so good parent. An example of a parent who might be scatter brained is a permissive parent. A permissive parent is the parent you do not want to be, but it is easier to fall into this parenting than not. A permissive parent is someone who gives a child freedom, but they don’t give the child limits. When you give a child too much freedom and no limits it makes the child not have respect for you or themselves. These children will treat you like a doormat and in general will try and parent you, rather than the other way around. Permissive parenting is when you don’t really care. For example, when your child does something wrong and you don’t help the situation at all having thoughts such as, “Maybe I should help my child” then thinking “yeah, maybe”. This is an example of bad parenting because it shows you don’t even want to act and put in the effort to help your child. Do you really want to be that kind of parent? During class permissive parenting made me worried for the people in my life. I have grown up with many people that have parents that let them do whatever they want. Although, having freedom isn’t wrong, these children do not have set boundaries. This is not a good thing because it could have the children feel like their parents don’t care for them. My friends parent was like this. They let her do whatever she wanted and in the end, she just resented her parents and had felt depressed as if her parents weren’t worried about her at all. I don’t want my children to feel like this and I hope you don’t either. So what kind of parenting is good parenting? The best parenting style is Authoritative parenting. This style of parenting is giving children freedom within boundaries. For example, you will let your child go to her friend’s birthday party on a school night as long as she gets all her homework done. This shows the child that school work is important and if she wants to do something she will have to accomplish something else first. This parenting style allows the parent to benefit from parenting just as much as the child because it helps the child connect, grow and feel loved by their parents. It is important to give your children and teens the ability to have these freedoms so they can learn and grow, but also having a good balance. Overall, this parenting style will help you to be a better parent. One thing that I learned about parenting that I think all parents should know is that being polite to your child will help them be polite to you too. When you ask a child with a firm voice in a loving manner to do something, they are more willing to do it. If you just stand there yelling at your child and just expect them to accept you yelling at them, it is more likely for the child to not have respect for you. Imagine this, if your child is yelling at you telling you what to do, you most likely don’t want to be around your child. How would you feel? You would feel unloved. In general parenting can be hard, but it will be worth it. After learning about this topic in my class I learned that parenting doesn’t terrify me all that much. As long as we try to do our best at being parents, we can become successful in our parenting. Ever since I was a little kid Saturdays were the days where we would work as a family to clean, do yardwork and get a lot of things done around the house, in a way Saturdays were preparation for the week to come and Sundays. Some of my favorite memories are working in the yard with my family. We would laugh together, complain together, joke together and help each other together. Those times throughout my childhood were crucial, they were the turning points of how my work ethic would become now. Today I am so thankful that I have a hard-working family that taught me more about the importance of hard work and the true unity of family.
Working with your kids can only benefit them. Today, the importance of work has faded, children don’t know how to do things and have become rather lazy in their work ethics. What can we do to prevent this? Have our kids work! That is all we must do is encourage it in a positive way, show them the importance of it through your example and continue to see the blessings of your labors, they will come! REMEMBER BE AN EXAMPLE OF WORK ETHIC TO YOUR CHILDREN AND INVOLVE THEM IN IT. Throughout this week, we talked about fathers, finances and hard work. One thing that stuck out to me in the readings in class this week was the importance of hard work and management of money. One thing in the reading that stuck out to me was the idea of how people have been working since the begging of time, an example of this is Adam and Eve because since the beginning they were cursed with being banned from the garden, having to bring forth their own labors which included much work. Work is a good thing, like Adam and Eve it can teach us to help one another. Isn’t that the point of working in the long run, to help each other? I just wanted to say how much I love work. I think when people have hard work ethics, they show that they aren’t lazy and they are willing to do anything they can to provide for their families. Providing for a family reminds me of the father figure in the home. One of the best providers I know is my dad. He is the best example of this. Ever since I can remember my father has always provided for our family’s needs and we have never struggled or if we did he never showed it to us. I really appreciate his hard work, always trying his best and showing us to never give up even when it gets hard. When I need something, especially financially for example, if I need help in covering some costs in school, my dad will help me and provide the rest that I cannot make up. I love how my dad is so willing to play his role in fatherhood, how he is so willing to give it his all and so willing to be the best example I know. One thing that I know my dad is good with is money, my dad knows how to manage money like no other. Elder Ashton said in his talk One for the Money, “In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision and policy making. When children come along and reach the age of accountability, they, too, should be involved in money concerns on a limited-partnership basis. Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties and bickerings prevail” I love this quote from the readings because it expresses that even though one member of the family needs to be good with money, but both a husband and wife need to work together to be good at managing their money for their family. I am grateful to say that even though my dad is great with money, my mother is also. They both have divided roles on who takes care of which parts of the money that is being managed. For example, my father will do the taxes while my mother balances the check book. They also work together by discussing where they want the money they have earned to go towards, whether it be towards school, food, cars, health etc. I am so grateful for their examples. This week on my blog I want to challenge you to do something! I want to challenge you to read this talk by Elder Ashton https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/09/one-for-the-money?lang=eng read it with your family, your spouse, your friends or whoever you want. I promise you that it will help you to realize how important it is to manage your money. Managing money is a benefit for the long run, it keeps you out of debt and will make you that much happier. Review it, love it and comment about it after reading of what you thought. Let me know! XOXO Con amor, Bonnie Have you ever heard the saying, “Communication in any successful relationship is key?” Well I am here to tell you that this week, we learned how important communication is in any relationship. One way that it is important is the idea that we are never not communicating. People can communicate in many different ways, but did you know that the main way to communicate isn’t even through words. A lot of communication has to do with actions, nonverbal cues and body language. This week we learned that you can never not communicate because we are always communicating with one another. As we continued learning about communication I really enjoyed the idea of the HOW to communicate. For example, when we are confused about what someone has said, we can repeat back to them what we think they said. For example, Adam said, “I like to eat my cereal with a fork.” Then because you may not have understood Adam you can repeat back to Adam what he said in the way you perceived it (to make sure you understand). “Adam, did you just say that you like to eat your cereal with a fork?” Then Adam will respond by making it clear if that is what he said or not. By doing this it can help with confusion due to miscommunication and help provide a way to communicate better with others. When it comes to communicating, thought versus feelings play a key process in communication. How many times have you tried to express something, yet it never came across like you wanted it to? I can tell you that has occurred to me millions of times. That is why the idea of thought and feeling are so important. For example, when someone is communicating how they feel they try to express it to the other person, then that person needs to try and decode what that person really meant. By doing this it helps them to communicate their thoughts and feelings. Below is attached a picture of what I am trying to communicate to you. We are all different and perceive things differently, as long as we can decode what each other is expressing it is easier to communicate your thoughts and feelings with the listener. At times it may be hard and that is okay, communication isn’t easy, but as long as we are trying then we will be able to figure it out with those around us. Communication is a beautiful thing, although at times it can be hard for me, I know that if we choose to be better listeners and try our best it will all work out. I wanted to leave with a thought before I end. Out of all communication 14% of communication is the words you use. Then 35% is the tone used and after that 51% is the verbal. Let those ideas sink into your head, communication isn’t always just speaking, it is a mix of things. REMEMBER ALWAYS THAT COMMUNICATION IS KEY AND THAT WE CANNOT EVER NOT COMMUNICATE. What a great class this week! XOXO Bonnie All families have their moments of stress. The more important concept of all of this is how those families cope with these events that can be stressful. So, what exactly is coping? Coping is how to effectively deal with a problem.
Overall I quite enjoyed this class this week, sensitive subjects were discussed, but it was a very effective class. Throughout the class, we talked about stressors when it comes to the family. Some stressors that I gathered with my family were losing a job, losing a family member, health problems, drug use and so forth. These things are all added stress to the family. How the family decides to deal with these stressor events can be important on determining relationships within the family. This week I want to share a story that was discussed in class. This may be a sensitive subject, but I really enjoyed it and thought that it could help others out there. This story is about sexual abuse. Our teacher is a Marriage and Family Therapist. One experience that he had over his time in family therapy was when he talked with a family that was dealing with sexual abuse within the family. It all started when one child in the family was sexually abused by another child in the family. For example, let’s have the sex abusers name be Sam while the victim child is Kathy. Their story begins like this, there were about 3-4 kids in the family. There was a mom and a step dad. When the family found out about the abuse between Kathy and Sam, therapy was issued right away and Sam was removed from the home to get further help. Sam kept in contact with the mother for quite some time, but for about two years kept distant from the family, never saying a word. Sam was put in a school to get him help, while Kathy dealt with the abuse talking with a therapist about her abuse. As time went on (around those two years like mentioned before) Sam had talked to his mother and she suggested to have a family therapy session together. They all went to the family therapist (my teacher) and talked to him individually about everything. After their individual discussions with the therapist the whole family, minus the step father (because he absolutely hated Sam and what he had done) all went to the session. Emotions were high during this time, but needed to be expressed. Everyone in the room went around telling each other how they felt and what happened. At the end of the session the therapist asked Sam to get on his knees and apologize to Kathy. He did and said in a sassy tone while rolling his eyes, “I am sorry what I did to you.” Then after those comments mentioned he turned to the therapist, “am I done now?” the therapist knew it wasn’t genuine and told him to be genuine. He got back down on his knees and then with tears in his eyes confessed everything, “Kathy I am sorry what I did to you. In all honesty, you are just so pretty and I am so insecure and nobody likes me compared to the way they like you. I just thought that if I did those things to you that I would be getting close to you and that people would see that I was more like you than they thought.” During these moments, the room was silent. Tears were streaming down everyone’s faces and Sam started apologizing to everyone on his knees. Then Kathy turned to Sam and said, “Sam I forgive you.” The therapist then turned to Kathy saying, “Kathy you don’t have to forgive him.” Then Kathy turned to the therapist and said, “that’s why I can forgive him.” After that the whole family dynamics changed. Everyone was different. The mother even ended up divorcing her husband because he didn’t want a part in that change that the family experienced. But the damage that had been done had been repaired, the love was growing back and everything changed. After that Sam apologized to many people, especially the people at his schooling of therapy and that amazed them. I loved this story and wanted to share it with you all today because it really touched me. Even though sometimes in life hard things happen, families become broken for a time, and people are the cause of that brokenness in the end everything can work itself out as long as people are willing to cope, working through their problems. Yeah, at times we may feel broken as a family or not understand how to fully cope with a situation, but in the end, we can do it if we believe that we can. Wow this week was full of a lot of information during our two class periods, but such crucial information that I would recommend continuing to read more about why your relationship with your spouse is so important to continually build. So what exactly is the biggest connecting units in a marriage? You got it bud, sexual intimacy. Did you know that more people who have sex with multiple people tend to feel more empty in their life? Crazy to think about, right? But not only that, but that leads to thinking about how many college students you know, casually hooking up with many people, do you think they are really happy? I mean if the average junior in college gets one date a year and over four hook ups, it makes you think if they are really happy. That one really hit home for me because I have many friends that feel that exact way, empty. I am not singling out if you have sex with multiple people that you will feel this way, but studies show that that is a consistent pattern. After all we all want that person that just gets us and commits to a relationship. So why is sexual intimacy so important to use in a sacred setting and not like how the world thinks, like it is nothing and can just be thrown around? Let’s be real here, everyone wants to feel loved, especially sexually. But if there is anything I have learned this week is that it is BEST when you are married, fully committed and uniting with your spouse to feel those beautiful emotions that are sacred. Sexual intimacy is so sacred and if we abuse that power then we won’t fully enjoy it later. For example, one thing I learned this week is that the more lovers someone has had the more difficult it is later to spark attraction for others. Imagine you finally getting married and then not even being attracted to your own spouse because you have already done all the sacred this containing sexual intimacy, that’s scary and takes a lot of time to repair to change. A Word on Infidelity I strongly believe that sex should be saved for marriage to grow that level of sexual intimacy. Marriage is so important to most people in the world. Everyone has a desire to share all parts of them with that one person that “completes them” and brings them together as one. Marriage is a beautiful, but today’s world tries to make it as if it doesn’t matter. Infidelity swarms the media acting as if it is the norm, like people usually cheat on their spouses. The sad thing is that it is starting to not even be looked down upon as much anymore, like it is so normal. The thing is that infidelity can damage someone so emotionally and it is NOT OKAY. I repeat INFIDELITY IS NOT OKAY. Okay, I am so glad we got that out of the way, but it really isn’t okay. So how can you prevent situations of infidelity? One thing we talked about in our family relations class was to NEVER be alone with the opposite sex, I don’t care how old or how young, literally this can lead to infidelity. It all starts with sharing how you feel about things then consistently relying on that person that you shared those things with. An example in our class that was shared was when two couples would always run together. One day one the wives got sick while the others husband was busy with work. The other two still wanted to run so they decided to run with the other spouses spouse, later those two ended up having an affair. Even though that was an innocent situation it led to more. So many marriages have ended in infidelity because of those moments where people think, “oh this isn’t a big deal if I do this alone with him my husband will understand.” I cannot say enough, IT IS A BIG DEAL. These are people’s marriages ending because of things that just aren’t that big of a deal. Let me tell you one thing, the worst things can happen if we don’t take as much precaution. All I am saying is infidelity is real. The need for setting boundaries with your spouse of what you will do to prevent infidelity needs to be taken. Be supportive of one another and always be honest. This week was amazing and class! Xoxo Bonnie Don’t worry, I know my title made you think that I got married, but sadly still haven’t met that goal in my life just yet. Let’s talk marriage! We all have a goal in our life to get married at some point, well at least most people. The first thing we talked about this week was the engagement. We discussed many topics, one topic that stood out to me the most was that during the engagement process we need to start planning our lives together. For example, it is important to discuss with your soon to be spouse money, goals, what they expect from the other, this is the MOST crucial part to make sure you know everything about the person. Take advantage of the time you have together, plan the wedding together, work as a team and include each other. I never realized how important it is to make sure you include your fiancé in the planning of your wedding. This can demonstrate how your marriage can go at times because if you are willing to work together, then you will be more likely to do that in your marriage and form that important bond of unity. During this time of engagement, it is to focus on the person you are marrying, making sure you both feel like you know all you can know to marry someone. I cannot express that enough because a lot of people during this time focus too much on the wedding only, when that shouldn’t be the most important part of it all, you are going to be spending your life with someone so you better focus on them. After you do get married, there are a lot of ideas that we have in our head. An example of this is that our wedding night will be perfect. Your wedding night won’t be perfect, things happen and that is okay. You have your whole life to be with that person. Another thing to note is that during the first month of marriage you will find many challenges. Some challenges may be finding a good schedule with your spouse on when to see each other because you may have conflicting schedules. Another is the intimacy levels could be different among each other, so you need to work that out. Marriage is not super easy, you must work at it every day and a lot of newly married couples do not realize that until it is happening. It is okay for things not to be perfect. Something to consider too is that as time goes on in your marriage you will continuously need to learn and love each other. The most challenging time in a marriage is when the first child is born. When I learned, this I found it so interesting. The reason I found it so interesting was because usually that is an exciting time, but then I did realize how much work is around raising a child. The husband can feel unloved at times because the wife is so busy with the child or the wife could feel as if the husband isn’t doing enough. All in all, it is important to let your child bring you together rather than have you both drift apart. One thing that stood out to me the most in class was the idea that it isn’t MY baby it’s OUR baby. This will help you as new parents understand that you are raising this child together and that it isn’t just one person raising it alone. When parents work together they can learn to build their relationships. So yeah guys if you are readings this, it is important to get up in the middle of the night as much as your wife does to help with the baby! All in all you can have a successful marriage. Focus on the important things such as quality time, dating and getting to know that person, even during your marriage, keep doing those things. Doing these things will lead to a successful marriage. XOXO Bonnie In all honesty, I think I speak for more people than one when I say I prefer meaningful dates than just “hanging out” or “hooking up”. Believe it or not dating is still alive and somewhat well. Even though our culture has gravitated towards only hanging out and hooking up with individuals there are still people out there who want to date, get to know each other through dates, and just have all-around fun. Remember, dates are planned, paid and paired off. (I learned this from a wise teacher named Brother Williams). So, what is the difference between hanging out and hooking up? Hanging out is when you are with someone who could be a potential person that you want to be girlfriend/boyfriend with, yet instead of going on dates you chill with each other on a couch or something, in general confusing the emotions. While someone who is hooking up gets sexually intimate with someone, leaving them the next day or just seeing each other to do some sort of sexual activity, not really having a real emotional connection with the person that could potentially lead to a relationship. In general, neither of these are good and can confuse, hurt and take away the true meaning of love in relationships. What we all want is to find our person. Someone who is a rating of a high 7 out of 10 that makes you laugh! I mean come on, I am on a right track? RIGHT?! Right. In reality, what most of us want is that fairytale dream, for prince charming to come along to take away all our problems and sweep us off our feet. But that is NOT reality. Reality is like you, perfectly imperfect. The person you end up marrying isn’t going to be perfect, have every single quality you want, or sweep you off your feet like prince charming. Don’t get me wrong, I think there are plenty of people that can sweep you off your feet, but that won’t last forever unless you work hard at it. Being in a happy marriage you need to work hard at it and not expect someone perfect. Bruce A. Chadwick suggests, “all Cinderellas and Prince Charmings to throw away their glass slippers. Following Satan’s encouragement, contemporary society greatly emphasizes courtship, the hunt, or the conquest. The rest of the story, the most significant part of the life story, is dismissed with six words: “And they lived happily ever after.”” This helps show us that there isn’t just one perfect person out there for you, but many. Looks like you won’t be needing that glass slipper after all or that perfect prince charming. In our lives, we want to work towards having a celestial marriage. What does that look like? Well if you want a celestial marriage you would be trying to keep the commandments and live a life worthy for you and your future family. So, what do you do when it comes to dating then? When you date others make the dates fun, get to know them and really show that you care about them. Keep sexual intimacy limited, making it more sacred and meaningful. This will help avoid possible mistakes that could lead to much heartbreak. Look for potential in a person, not perfection. Have the qualities you want your spouse to have because you need to expect more from yourself. Brother Williams in my Family Relations class stated, “In my experience the happiest of marriages are those who expect most of themselves rather than expecting more from the other person.” Expecting the most out of ourselves is good because it leads to being able to fully love ourselves and others. LOVE IS IMPORTANT. Isn’t it crazy to think that research has been done about love and that love is a necessity to everyone, male, female, heterosexual, homosexual and that it is in comparison a need such as the need for water and food. Crazy to think, huh? One thing that I loved learning about love this week was that there are three times of how people love. The first is secure attachment which are people that want to get close to someone and easily trust them. About 59% of people are this kind of love. Then there is avoidant attachment which is having distance from a partner still having control of your own life. About 25% of people have that kind of attachment. Then the last one is anxious/ambivalent style which are those people who have high levels of closeness which can lead to feelings of abandonment in certain situations. This style is about 11% of people. Which one are you? The happies style of love was the secure style because they are willing to understand each other. Whatever style you are it shows how you love. We all need to love and be loved. These are a couple of cool things I learned this week. J XOXO Con Amor, Bonnie Throughout my life, I have grown up being taught that being gay is a choice. I would always remember my father telling me, “Bon, you know that being gay is a choice.” This concept always gave me an uneasy feeling because in all reality I had no clue if that statement was real. I questioned it. Many of my friends have been gay, many of them are amazing people and whether it was a choice or not, it did not matter to me whether they were gay or not and it still doesn’t change the fact that I love them no matter what. Over time I have come across this thought process of if being gay was a choice or not. I finally came to a conclusion, but let’s get to that later. I mean come on, we got to keep you reading some way. Class ended on Thursday and I immediately called my mom,“Mom, you have to read these articles that my teacher gave me in class that cite many wonderful research behind whether being gay is a choice or not.” That day I couldn’t help but seem to feel so intrigued with the knowledge I had gained just in the last two days of classes, being able to share this knowledge with my mother to see if she agreed with my thoughts. I finally felt like understanding whether it was a choice or not had finally clicked in my mind. I felt like not only I was lacking knowledge, but the world isn’t knowledgeable on this topic based on the research and studies done. So, is it a choice or is it biological? Many studies have taken place to find out if being gay or lesbian is biological. One study that scientists have done is testing twins. If it is biological, then if one twin is gay the other has to be 100% gay too due to genes. As many tests and studies have been run on twins, many scientists found that when one twin was homosexual, they only found about 50% or less of the other twin felt like they were homosexual. Most of the time the other twin did not claim themselves as homosexual. I found this quite interesting because wouldn’t the twins need to both be homosexual if it was biological? Another stance on biology was the study that was given by a man with the name LeVay who did brain research. He took a very small sample of men that passed away, he tested these men and found that half of them who were homosexual had a bigger brain than the men that were not homosexual. He did not conclude in his research that his findings were proof of homosexuals having a different brain than non-homosexuals, in fact he felt like his findings didn’t relate. It was interesting to conclude from his research that most of those homosexuals died from HIVS and we do know that HIVS cause brains to enlarge, therefore not necessarily proving that homosexuals have a different brain. There have been many other studies taken by scientists to see if there is proof of being biological. Many scientists have first thought it was biological then have concluded that it isn’t after they have done research. In reality, I need to find more research done to fully comprehend the biological side, but what I have found so far based on my class is that nurture plays more of a role versus nature. And that many studies have shown that there is not much evidence when it comes to being homosexual biological. So, let’s take a spin reviewing the nurture side and the environmental factors of being homosexual. One thing that many scientist think is that being homosexual is a choice and that your environment does play a role. Studies have concluded that if someone is sexually abused or molested as a child, whether it is super young from an infant or when they were 12 they have been more likely to claim to be homosexual. During this class period when we learned this, we watched a YouTube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM) that interviewed many young men who went to therapy for help to overcome homosexuality, many of them concluded that they had been sexually abused as a child. This was so interesting to me because there are some people I know that are homosexual now, that I do know that they too have been sexually abused. Something for all of us to really think about. As we discussed this issue in class, we talked about how many of the feelings from sexual abuse can get confused with real sexual feelings. It is more of a problem of intimacy and not such a problem of sexuality. Another thing that we talked about was that the most affected ages for a child to discover being homosexual is 5,8, and12. During these ages the child is very susceptible to a lot of things. Some examples that we came across were feeling not accepted by peers or if their father isn’t always around. Also, sometimes the father might be too masculine. Another factor that was noted was that sometimes if boys grow up having older brothers they have a more likely chance of being homosexual. So how can peers play a role? If children at schools such as boys having feelings of neglect from peers at a young age, they will want to find a way to fill those missing feelings, by filling them later in life to be homosexual. They begin to yearn for those feelings of being accepted by the opposite sex. I found this quite interesting because you would think that it would be the opposite, them wanting more to do with girls than with boys if they felt neglected by their male peers. This shows that our environment does play a role in future feelings. Another thing I mentioned above was the father’s role. Sometimes fathers can pressure their sons to turn towards sports or masculine things like the father, while the son might not have interest in those things and might be more artistic or something. An example of this is if a boy is playing with Barbie’s, the father could freak out and try to make him not play with them. The father is going wrong about this in so many ways, it’s not like the son is having sex, he is simply playing with Barbie’s. What the father can do here is play Barbie with him and be the Barbie while the son be ken, encouraging the son to explore and accept the child. Accepting the child is what the father needs to do. Also, same with older brothers they can pressure the younger brother that the things he is doing are too girly and he needs to be more “manly” or “like the boys”. Many scientists and therapists have said that feelings of intimacy can get confused with sexual feelings. As we discussed in class my eyes were opened that sometimes we have feelings that are normal that we do not understand and can confuse them with real sexual feelings because of that misunderstanding. I found this very interesting because I feel like many people confuse feelings all the time, for example, sometimes people do not know if they have feelings for someone as just a friend or if they have feelings for someone more than a friend that can lead to a love relationship. All in all, I concluded that being homosexual is a choice. I love and respect all my friends and family that have those tendencies, but I feel strongly that it is a choice. I feel that way even about heterosexuals, we choose who to love and that is that. Sometimes I feel like when it comes to love heterosexuals and homosexuals get confused on what love really is. Sometimes we all have misunderstandings of feelings and that is a learning process of itself. The Family Overall the family needs to be strong. My personal belief is that marriage is between a man and a woman. I feel that so strongly. Children need to have a loving mother and a loving father. This leads to my concluding thoughts of this blog post, let’s take a step into gender. Gender Roles Gender is so crucial to raising a family. Families need to have a loving mother who is nurturing willing to be there for her children showing them love and the nurture they need. While fathers roles are to be the providers, helping the family grow and being an example. In order for the family to grow and become children need these strong roles in their lives. I personally think moms should spend time helping their children, not saying they cannot work, but that their focal points are their children. I strongly believe that fathers need to provide, being that strong example for their children. Male and female cannot be without each other because their differences are so important for the family. Women bring qualities that men don’t have and men bring qualities that women don’t have. For example, men are good at fixing things and coming up with solutions to problems. Whereas women bring nurturing and already know the answers to their problems, but would rather want to talk about them. Oh, how interesting gender roles are. One thing that stood out to me about genders was the idea that we both have the same amount of emotions, but we just express them differently. So yeah, that was a myth that women are more emotional, more like they are more expressive! Conclusion The family needs to be protected because it is a beautiful thing. What a blessing we have to have such an amazing opportunity to create a family. The family is truly the gateway to success. XOXO Bonnie If there is one place that changed my view on culture, it is when I served a my LDS mission in Mendoza, Argentina. This place taught me what it meant to love, understand, care and expand my views on culture. The people of Argentina are so loving and kind, always willing to put their families before anyone else. They were astounding examples to me and their family culture helped me to have a better grip on how important cultures are in this world.
What is culture? Our favorite friend google says, “culture is the attitude and behavior characteristic of a particular social group.” So, are you telling me culture is based off of how people behave? You got it champ! We all live in a culture of our own, whether it is based on our family, the united states or your religious community. Culture is everywhere, especially in the family. In Argentina, the family culture was amazing. The people were so loving and it was known to live with your family even after you graduated high school, the idea was that families stick together and that is how it always is going to be. It is like in my family relations class how my teacher mentioned that people that live closer to the equator are way more likely to be closer to each other than those who live in a blizzard town like somewhere in Idaho. (hey, I can technically say that since currently in Rexburg, ID it is like 10 degrees out on a good day and being all touchy/personal with others is hard when you can’t feel any of your frozen body!) All I am saying is that culture is so different everywhere you go. Let’s focus on the united states culture. The idea of the American dream is to become something, to be rich, to show off that new mustang, am I right? Well it’s something like that. Well the culture is to be a success in some way or another. But how does that relate to families? Let’s take a look at the Mexican immigration. Many families from Mexico are immigrating here because they 1. Want better lives for their children, giving them education and a better future. 2. The United States have better jobs to make more money for families. Wait a second, wouldn’t that be hard for Mexicans to leave their families and their culture all for these opportunities for their families? Indeed it is, think of it this way. You go to another country, don’t know anyone, you left your family behind, don’t know where you are going to go, while not knowing the English language, and you are all alone. Does that sound easy to you? Well if you are screaming yes, then that is the wrong answer. Mexicans leave behind their families sometimes to come to the U.S. just so their families can have better lives. What a courageous people! They truly are amazing in that sense, where they will do anything for their families. Would you do that for your family? The only problem with this idea of the U.S. being a better place for immigrants is the idea that they aren’t affecting the family when they really are. Many Mexicans have the father of the family go to the U.S. for a long period such as three years at a time! That leaves the mother to be head of the family and having to play the good cop, bad cop role without the family. Without the father the children build a strong bond with the mother, while when the father returns it is much harder to reconnect with their children, sometimes not even reconnecting. It is also difficult for the wife to connect with the husband again because they have been away from each other for so long. These toles on families play a major role in the home and can affect the children a lot. Sometimes the whole family from Mexico will go to the united states while leaving their friends, family and homes. The children of these families are immensely affected, some stay in their rooms while becoming depressed because they might not know the language, can make friends due to language barriers and may find it harder to connect with their family at home since they might be working often to help the family income. These relationships can become strained and the culture differences are difficult to admit to. Some of these children never see their extended family again or their friends. The hardships are real and we often don’t recognize it here in the United States. Not only are the struggles real for Mexicans that immigrate from Mexico, but the American way of life is too. For example, the social class is very hard to adjust to. Many people in America have more resources and it is easier to get jobs. So, this can lead to people taking advantage of their resources. Some Americans even if they are poor try to hide it and act like they aren’t. While others who are get yelled at because of that. Being from Mexico can make it harder to fit in to the American way of life, even though America loves other cultures, it just can be a difficult transition. Social classes in the U.S. are constantly expanding. A lot of Americans are always wanting more and take for granted what they have, obviously not all, but it is not uncommon. In families, the idea of social classes can be difficult. For example, if the child grows up in a wealthier home he could feel more entitled, but it is fascinating because if a child grows up in a poor home that child can too feel entitled because he did not get all that he wanted. Social class is determined by ancestry, money, confidence, mannerism, additional resources, dress, education and so forth. Americans rely on these classes to determine if they are successful in their daily life. Some take it too far by thinking they are better than others when we are all working towards becoming the people we want to be. All these things can affect the family in both good and bad ways. We need to be aware of the cultures and social classes around us to be able to help our family in the best way. These roles are influential and our goal should be to help make this world a happier place to live in for anyone and their families. Con Amor, Bonnie |
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March 2017
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