If there was one thing that I need to be better at, it is being organized. Not saying that I am an unorganized person, but that organization is something very important to everyone’s life, especially when it comes to family life. All families have some sort of organization or in other words a system. Think about it more in the stance of unspoken rules. For example, your friend Molly must be home before midnight every school night, if she doesn’t she knows that she will have a huge fight with her parents when she arrives home at 1 am. Maybe Molly spoke about it with her parents or maybe she didn’t, but she knows that that is how her family works. Maybe, you have some weird unspoken rules too. Like let’s say your mom hates it when you eat in the living room or when you wear shoes all day around the house. You know better to not make your mom upset and break those unspoken rules, kind of like trying to avoid conflict in general. So why are systems so important? Systems are crucial in relationships because they help keep things organized. When we understand, and respect the way others are we contain that in a system. This simple little system is known as the general systems theory which, “offers a set of assumptions regarding the maintenance of any organism or entity as a result of the complex interaction of its elements or parts. Focusing attention of the pattern of relationships within a system or between systems.” In order to have a family that is good and stable it is important to have these systems, not only to have them, but to be willing to change. My great teacher Brother Williams mentioned, “family stability is rooted in change.” Although we all have systems, they are bound to change. Let’s use being an only child as an example. Being honest here friends, you are not always going to be an only child forever (sometimes that’s the case), eventually your parents are going to want to change your family, hence the system will change. Hey, but don’t worry because as long as you have a system that is organized, your family should be pretty successful. *Big sigh of relief* Isn’t learning new terms fun? That’s what I think too! Importance of Systems in The Family Drum roll please, systems are important. You know like the relationship you have with your mom, that’s part of the system. We often call that a subsystem. Look at you, already learning something new! The reason systems help us so much because they make boundaries, without them our families would be crazy. Think about it, without boundaries or rules your kids would never go to bed and probably stay up late eating all the food in your house, which would make them super grumpy and crazy in the morning. I don’t know about you, but I for sure know that I don’t want to deal with a grumpy 5-year-old in the morning due to lack of sleep. Also, with boundaries and rules comes the idea of information processing, when you lay out the rules/boundaries the family members can know how to process information exchanged with the family. In general, when families work together in a system, life is just so much easier. Having control over situations in a loving manner, can help things go more smoothly as a whole. It is kind of like the body, it all works together to stay active or healthy or alive really. Cool huh? That is how a family should be working together in systems! Try it with your family, you will see results. What systems are crucial? First off, it’s we already talked about the general systems theory which is great for having relationships in generals with roles, rules and all that great stuff. Another system that are contained in families is the conflict theory, when people in the family are conflict over the resources provided or have power to influence. An example of this is how when an older brother is in charge over his siblings while the parents are out, just for that period of time. In order to have a good system in the family it’s important to resolve conflicts or respect others. Not only resolving conflicts, but being aware of symbolic interaction with family members. How interacting with each other can be symbolic, full of experiences. These experiences can build relationships and find meaning with interacting with each other. Then that leads to the exchange theory which is that through those relationships we all have social exchanges with each other or roles in the family based on our economics, negation etc. Working together in systems are the things we all need to do as families. Expecting more of ourselves in family relationships is how we have happy family life and marriages. Without high expectations of ourselves, how do we have the ability to expect high expectations of others? Expectations Sometimes I feel so strongly that others think that they deserve the world, when they haven’t created the world they deserve for themselves. If you want a good relationship with someone, be the person that puts forth effort to have that relationship. If you want to have a happy marriage, put forth action to have a happy marriage. The things we want we often expect, but when we stop expecting from others and expect more of ourselves we will attract the things that we want and need when it comes to relationships. So, if you want to be happy expect more of yourself than of others, be the better person and work harder than anyone else to deserve the great family and things that I know you can have. Con amor, Bonnie
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What makes a family? That question has been rolling around in my head for the past couple days. This world often forgets the importance of families and what makes a family in the first place. Families are often thought as people we must love, people that we are just living with, people that happen to share the same genes, the same parents, the same house, etc. I am here to tell you that family is bigger than that! Families are the people that see you as you are. The people that see your mistakes before you can show them that you don’t have any. The first people you learn real love from and real love isn’t perfection. The people that helped you learn to say the words “I am sorry”. These are the people that helped you to understand the world before you could even fathom to figure it out yourself. Whether you enjoy your family or not, majority of us have a family. This blog is here to take you into the reality that everyone has an imperfect family and we are all a jumbled mess trying to work with our imperfections. Imperfections help us to desire to want to be perfect, to strive, to want to work at something so we can realize that perfection wasn’t ever the goal, but you learn along the way that love was the goal the whole time. Wait this pictured family isn't perfect? I thought we looked pretty good with our perfect smiles. ;) So, since we know that we cannot all be like that perfect family on Instagram, are you telling me there are more myths out there than just that the idea that nobody is perfect?! Oh boy, let’s jump into this reality together. Get your helmets guys because you’re about to hit your head pretty hard on this reality check. MYTHS 1. Love lasts forever. Wait are you telling me I can’t love that guy I met in biology class freshmen year of high school and expect to have it be a Cinderella fairytale? Sorry kids, but reality number one is that love does not last forever and you do have to work at it. Love will last if you make the choice to make it last. Think about it, how many people claim they aren’t in love after a couple of years of marriage, then end up getting a divorce because they thought they could last on love? Wow who would have known that love is actually work? 2. Marriage is all rainbows and butterfly’s majority of the time. Well folks, toss out those butterfly nets and that pot of gold you just found because conflict plays a big role in marriages. Conflict isn’t fighting, it is disagreeing on something. Like my wonderful teacher brother Williams said, “We don’t have to be unkind and fight because of our differences.” It is okay to be upset and not have everything go the way we plan, after all we are just people and all have different ideas, but we need to learn how to work with those ideas. Expect to disagree with your spouse or family members. The most important part is to try and compromise in a loving manner! But if you think that you are not supposed to disagree or get into mishaps, being stuck in that rainbow world could get exhausting after a while because remember nobody is perfect. 3. Having everything in common is what you should be looking for. Okay, wait what? Even I reread that myth three times. Having a clone of me would be nice, but I already have experienced 21 years of “me time”. No, I am not saying that you should have everything in common, you should always have things in common, just don’t expect your newly married husband or wife to be exactly like you. The way I think about it now is the idea that I have so many friends that are a lot like me, yet we are all not the same at all. Similarities are crucial to a good marriage and relationship, but someone too similar could drive you insane. Worldly Changes on The Family Now that we got that myth list all figured out, have you ever thought “wow the world has changed ever since my mom was a kid.” Pretty sure we are all guilty of this thought. Well it is true, things have changed especially when it comes to the family. Our parents grew up in a time much different than ours. Look back to those days when your parents had huge families (my dad has six siblings) due to the baby boom after World War II which was during the years 1946-1964. During this time it was normal to have children, in fact it was looked as an accomplishment. These days, you see much smaller families, around 2-3 kids. Oh how times have changed! But why? Why do we not have bigger families? Are we not as in love before? Major key things played into this, first was the women’s revolution. You know that time where voting became a thing for women? Of course, you should, what a time to be alive! Women began to be more focused on those things like getting an education, having successful carriers and not focusing too much of having a family. Not only that revolution played a role, but so did the sexual revolution when birth control became advanced. How many people do you know on birth control? Exactly, quite a few which shows that many people could do all the things they want such as sexual relations without being married or considering a family. Wait I still have more, the divorce revolution. Majority of families these days are divorced, when my mom was a kid divorce was not common and it was rare to have divorced parents (even though they still did). Divorce is an example of changes in family because of the affects it has on everyone in the family. Finally, but the idea of individualism. Not saying being who you are is a bad thing, but how many people these days would rather have a brand-new yacht than start a family? Or focus only on their career? Travel the world to find themselves? Being individualized and finding yourself before a family is just what people do now. Before it wasn’t always like that and that is okay. Not saying this is a bad thing, but it does play a role of putting off when to have a family or even having one at all. Times have clearly changed, myths have come about and our parent’s family lives are very different. None of these are horrible things, but they have played major roles in what makes a family and if a family is in the cards for people. People just have a lot more options, which are so good to have, but sometimes having too many options can make the process of deciding what is most important that much harder. I hope you can rethink your options and know that the family is important, that people are important. Even though the world has many myths floating around, many changes that has occurred with the family and many options we can still build the most beautiful family ever. Don’t give up on family because family matters and making one out of love can lead us to be happier than we ever thought possible. Con amor, Bonnie Hey guys!
Welcome to my blog. It is an exciting time to be here because throughout this semester we are learning all kinds of things due to the relations of families. Families are a crucial part of our lives and I cannot wait to explore my own family with you along others. This semester I will explore with you how families work and progress. I am excited to be here and grateful I go to such a great school like BYU-Idaho. Stay tuned :) |
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March 2017
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