In today’s society divorce is known to be a normal commodity. The idea of having a divorce in a family is more of a norm today than it ever has been. One interesting thing that I learned this week was that since my teacher is a therapist he has worked with many couples who have experienced divorce. The one thing he found consistent in divorces is that most couples that get a divorce get a divorce because they fell out of love, didn’t feel compatible or so on. My teacher found that these couples found that in 2 years after the divorce that they should have worked through it. When I heard this in class my heart broke for those couples and it made me want to help them.
This whole concept of divorce made me think of my teachers comment that, “divorce is a skill issue not a will issue.” As my teacher said this it made me realize how some people have a harder time in marriages knowing if they want to commit and stay committed by building the skills they need for that relationship. This commitment is hard to build some people simply do not have a clue how to go about it. But it is important to comprehend that marriage is a commitment much needed compared to couples now days who go towards cohabitation because it is easier. Did you know that cohabiting usually never leads to marriage? I wanted to talk about cohabiting for a moment because it is crucial to realize that cohabiting does not benefit a relationship. I say this because people think that cohabiting is easier than marriage when in reality there are a lot of problems that go along with cohabiting. One is that if you cohabit you are 16 times more likely to be abused by your live-in boyfriend than your husband. Another thing to understand about how cohabiting is a bad idea is that you are 30 times more likely to get molested by a cohabitation relationship compared to a spouse. Although you may think cohabitation is the way to go because it does cost less than divorce (because divorce costs about $125,000 in the first five years) it still can have a bigger effect on your emotions. Not only divorce is hard, but so is remarrying. Remarrying someone is a great thing and I encourage it for anyone. It usually takes someone a minimum of two years to be ready to get into another marriage. The People that remarry are more likely to be more willing to put more into the relationship than to their first marriage. Although it isn’t easy, it can be far worth it in the end. There are some things that remarried couples need to do. For example, sometimes couples get married to someone who already has a family. If this is the case it can be more difficult to have the idea of a “normal family.” This idea of normalcy takes up to two years to get to that point to feel more comfortable with each other. But remarried and combined families need to realize that they will never have a normal family because their family will always be different. This is not a bad thing, actually it can be good in many ways, but the sooner the family realizes that the faster they will be able to grow in certain types of relationships. In general divorce is hard, but can be a really good thing for people to overcome. All in all there are good and bad things to divorce, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t happiness that still can be found after. I encourage everyone to further their knowledge and understanding on divorce, remarriage and family relationships. FUN CONCEPT LEARNED OF THE WEEK: Alright so this concept doesn’t have much to do with the above information, but still in some way or another can apply if you really think about it. Okay here is the concept, did you know that marijuana is one of the worst drugs? It slows down, stops and reverses the development of the central nervous system while other drugs don’t do that. If someone doesn’t stop smoking before age 27-28 their brain will miss those development stages. This applies to the family because if an adult smokes during most of their life then it can impair them from being a parent at times and the way they think.
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![]() I don’t know about you, but the idea of parenting terrifies me. Now don’t get me wrong, I think/hope that I will be the best parent that I can be, but think about all the responsibility that you need to hold in your hands. This week during class cruised through many concepts that I have heard before and others that have never crossed my mind. Some things that really struck me were what kind of parent I should be. Thoughts of what kind of parent I should be have always drifted through my mind. I have always known I want to be a good parent, but can I really do that? Of course, we all can! So what is the best way to parent and how can I be the best parent? There are many ways to be a good parent, although there are also ways to be a not so good parent. An example of a parent who might be scatter brained is a permissive parent. A permissive parent is the parent you do not want to be, but it is easier to fall into this parenting than not. A permissive parent is someone who gives a child freedom, but they don’t give the child limits. When you give a child too much freedom and no limits it makes the child not have respect for you or themselves. These children will treat you like a doormat and in general will try and parent you, rather than the other way around. Permissive parenting is when you don’t really care. For example, when your child does something wrong and you don’t help the situation at all having thoughts such as, “Maybe I should help my child” then thinking “yeah, maybe”. This is an example of bad parenting because it shows you don’t even want to act and put in the effort to help your child. Do you really want to be that kind of parent? During class permissive parenting made me worried for the people in my life. I have grown up with many people that have parents that let them do whatever they want. Although, having freedom isn’t wrong, these children do not have set boundaries. This is not a good thing because it could have the children feel like their parents don’t care for them. My friends parent was like this. They let her do whatever she wanted and in the end, she just resented her parents and had felt depressed as if her parents weren’t worried about her at all. I don’t want my children to feel like this and I hope you don’t either. So what kind of parenting is good parenting? The best parenting style is Authoritative parenting. This style of parenting is giving children freedom within boundaries. For example, you will let your child go to her friend’s birthday party on a school night as long as she gets all her homework done. This shows the child that school work is important and if she wants to do something she will have to accomplish something else first. This parenting style allows the parent to benefit from parenting just as much as the child because it helps the child connect, grow and feel loved by their parents. It is important to give your children and teens the ability to have these freedoms so they can learn and grow, but also having a good balance. Overall, this parenting style will help you to be a better parent. One thing that I learned about parenting that I think all parents should know is that being polite to your child will help them be polite to you too. When you ask a child with a firm voice in a loving manner to do something, they are more willing to do it. If you just stand there yelling at your child and just expect them to accept you yelling at them, it is more likely for the child to not have respect for you. Imagine this, if your child is yelling at you telling you what to do, you most likely don’t want to be around your child. How would you feel? You would feel unloved. In general parenting can be hard, but it will be worth it. After learning about this topic in my class I learned that parenting doesn’t terrify me all that much. As long as we try to do our best at being parents, we can become successful in our parenting. Ever since I was a little kid Saturdays were the days where we would work as a family to clean, do yardwork and get a lot of things done around the house, in a way Saturdays were preparation for the week to come and Sundays. Some of my favorite memories are working in the yard with my family. We would laugh together, complain together, joke together and help each other together. Those times throughout my childhood were crucial, they were the turning points of how my work ethic would become now. Today I am so thankful that I have a hard-working family that taught me more about the importance of hard work and the true unity of family.
Working with your kids can only benefit them. Today, the importance of work has faded, children don’t know how to do things and have become rather lazy in their work ethics. What can we do to prevent this? Have our kids work! That is all we must do is encourage it in a positive way, show them the importance of it through your example and continue to see the blessings of your labors, they will come! REMEMBER BE AN EXAMPLE OF WORK ETHIC TO YOUR CHILDREN AND INVOLVE THEM IN IT. Throughout this week, we talked about fathers, finances and hard work. One thing that stuck out to me in the readings in class this week was the importance of hard work and management of money. One thing in the reading that stuck out to me was the idea of how people have been working since the begging of time, an example of this is Adam and Eve because since the beginning they were cursed with being banned from the garden, having to bring forth their own labors which included much work. Work is a good thing, like Adam and Eve it can teach us to help one another. Isn’t that the point of working in the long run, to help each other? I just wanted to say how much I love work. I think when people have hard work ethics, they show that they aren’t lazy and they are willing to do anything they can to provide for their families. Providing for a family reminds me of the father figure in the home. One of the best providers I know is my dad. He is the best example of this. Ever since I can remember my father has always provided for our family’s needs and we have never struggled or if we did he never showed it to us. I really appreciate his hard work, always trying his best and showing us to never give up even when it gets hard. When I need something, especially financially for example, if I need help in covering some costs in school, my dad will help me and provide the rest that I cannot make up. I love how my dad is so willing to play his role in fatherhood, how he is so willing to give it his all and so willing to be the best example I know. One thing that I know my dad is good with is money, my dad knows how to manage money like no other. Elder Ashton said in his talk One for the Money, “In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision and policy making. When children come along and reach the age of accountability, they, too, should be involved in money concerns on a limited-partnership basis. Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties and bickerings prevail” I love this quote from the readings because it expresses that even though one member of the family needs to be good with money, but both a husband and wife need to work together to be good at managing their money for their family. I am grateful to say that even though my dad is great with money, my mother is also. They both have divided roles on who takes care of which parts of the money that is being managed. For example, my father will do the taxes while my mother balances the check book. They also work together by discussing where they want the money they have earned to go towards, whether it be towards school, food, cars, health etc. I am so grateful for their examples. This week on my blog I want to challenge you to do something! I want to challenge you to read this talk by Elder Ashton https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/09/one-for-the-money?lang=eng read it with your family, your spouse, your friends or whoever you want. I promise you that it will help you to realize how important it is to manage your money. Managing money is a benefit for the long run, it keeps you out of debt and will make you that much happier. Review it, love it and comment about it after reading of what you thought. Let me know! XOXO Con amor, Bonnie ![]() Have you ever heard the saying, “Communication in any successful relationship is key?” Well I am here to tell you that this week, we learned how important communication is in any relationship. One way that it is important is the idea that we are never not communicating. People can communicate in many different ways, but did you know that the main way to communicate isn’t even through words. A lot of communication has to do with actions, nonverbal cues and body language. This week we learned that you can never not communicate because we are always communicating with one another. As we continued learning about communication I really enjoyed the idea of the HOW to communicate. For example, when we are confused about what someone has said, we can repeat back to them what we think they said. For example, Adam said, “I like to eat my cereal with a fork.” Then because you may not have understood Adam you can repeat back to Adam what he said in the way you perceived it (to make sure you understand). “Adam, did you just say that you like to eat your cereal with a fork?” Then Adam will respond by making it clear if that is what he said or not. By doing this it can help with confusion due to miscommunication and help provide a way to communicate better with others. When it comes to communicating, thought versus feelings play a key process in communication. How many times have you tried to express something, yet it never came across like you wanted it to? I can tell you that has occurred to me millions of times. That is why the idea of thought and feeling are so important. For example, when someone is communicating how they feel they try to express it to the other person, then that person needs to try and decode what that person really meant. By doing this it helps them to communicate their thoughts and feelings. Below is attached a picture of what I am trying to communicate to you. We are all different and perceive things differently, as long as we can decode what each other is expressing it is easier to communicate your thoughts and feelings with the listener. At times it may be hard and that is okay, communication isn’t easy, but as long as we are trying then we will be able to figure it out with those around us. Communication is a beautiful thing, although at times it can be hard for me, I know that if we choose to be better listeners and try our best it will all work out. I wanted to leave with a thought before I end. Out of all communication 14% of communication is the words you use. Then 35% is the tone used and after that 51% is the verbal. Let those ideas sink into your head, communication isn’t always just speaking, it is a mix of things. REMEMBER ALWAYS THAT COMMUNICATION IS KEY AND THAT WE CANNOT EVER NOT COMMUNICATE. What a great class this week! XOXO Bonnie All families have their moments of stress. The more important concept of all of this is how those families cope with these events that can be stressful. So, what exactly is coping? Coping is how to effectively deal with a problem.
Overall I quite enjoyed this class this week, sensitive subjects were discussed, but it was a very effective class. Throughout the class, we talked about stressors when it comes to the family. Some stressors that I gathered with my family were losing a job, losing a family member, health problems, drug use and so forth. These things are all added stress to the family. How the family decides to deal with these stressor events can be important on determining relationships within the family. This week I want to share a story that was discussed in class. This may be a sensitive subject, but I really enjoyed it and thought that it could help others out there. This story is about sexual abuse. Our teacher is a Marriage and Family Therapist. One experience that he had over his time in family therapy was when he talked with a family that was dealing with sexual abuse within the family. It all started when one child in the family was sexually abused by another child in the family. For example, let’s have the sex abusers name be Sam while the victim child is Kathy. Their story begins like this, there were about 3-4 kids in the family. There was a mom and a step dad. When the family found out about the abuse between Kathy and Sam, therapy was issued right away and Sam was removed from the home to get further help. Sam kept in contact with the mother for quite some time, but for about two years kept distant from the family, never saying a word. Sam was put in a school to get him help, while Kathy dealt with the abuse talking with a therapist about her abuse. As time went on (around those two years like mentioned before) Sam had talked to his mother and she suggested to have a family therapy session together. They all went to the family therapist (my teacher) and talked to him individually about everything. After their individual discussions with the therapist the whole family, minus the step father (because he absolutely hated Sam and what he had done) all went to the session. Emotions were high during this time, but needed to be expressed. Everyone in the room went around telling each other how they felt and what happened. At the end of the session the therapist asked Sam to get on his knees and apologize to Kathy. He did and said in a sassy tone while rolling his eyes, “I am sorry what I did to you.” Then after those comments mentioned he turned to the therapist, “am I done now?” the therapist knew it wasn’t genuine and told him to be genuine. He got back down on his knees and then with tears in his eyes confessed everything, “Kathy I am sorry what I did to you. In all honesty, you are just so pretty and I am so insecure and nobody likes me compared to the way they like you. I just thought that if I did those things to you that I would be getting close to you and that people would see that I was more like you than they thought.” During these moments, the room was silent. Tears were streaming down everyone’s faces and Sam started apologizing to everyone on his knees. Then Kathy turned to Sam and said, “Sam I forgive you.” The therapist then turned to Kathy saying, “Kathy you don’t have to forgive him.” Then Kathy turned to the therapist and said, “that’s why I can forgive him.” After that the whole family dynamics changed. Everyone was different. The mother even ended up divorcing her husband because he didn’t want a part in that change that the family experienced. But the damage that had been done had been repaired, the love was growing back and everything changed. After that Sam apologized to many people, especially the people at his schooling of therapy and that amazed them. I loved this story and wanted to share it with you all today because it really touched me. Even though sometimes in life hard things happen, families become broken for a time, and people are the cause of that brokenness in the end everything can work itself out as long as people are willing to cope, working through their problems. Yeah, at times we may feel broken as a family or not understand how to fully cope with a situation, but in the end, we can do it if we believe that we can. |
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March 2017
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